i jsut wish he would have said something to someone there were no signs noting. i talked to him that day he was fine. At least Kristin adn myself know the signs to look for, we missed them. how coul dwe have missed them? he was normal the day of his death people saw him that evening adn he was fine, he was himself. he didnt even like pain, why would he do that? he left no note. his mom and step dad hear a sound around 9:30 that evening adn then checked it round 11 something. by that time it was to late. he was gone. Ben didnt even know how to tie a noose, apparently we were all wrong about everything. i just dont know how to deal with this he was my BEST FRIEND, we had a fashion empiere planed, we were going to FL for college after the year. he would design i would retail it and get it on the streets adn sew. He had so much giong. We joked about winning the lotterey, makeing sure eachother were taken care of. i jsut dont get it. i cant stop cring and i hate to cry. I dont understand why he had to do it, i never will and i have to realize that but i cant because i rationalize things and i cant do that with this there was no reason no nothign it was unexpected. i hate the kids at school i hate them all. i hate this place and i hate washington and i hate PA. Kait tries to understand but she wasnt close to him she only knew who he was, Stephanie only has spoken to him but a few times and hasnt had to deal with a suicide jsut OD deaths which she siad aare very much diffrent, but she tries , stepher's is high so fuck that idea of talking to her about it, I just want to call and cry but im to stubburn to. HE had everything he handed in a college app that day that woul dhave been 26 apps. exactly. He jsut won an art award adn a gold key for his art work so there was some scholorship money, not that he needed it and it jsut sucks for lack of better words. i dont know waht to do , say, go, i jsut dont knwo anymore.