i want to run away and never come back

ok so i have been sick for the whole weekend and week. it sucks. major. so anywas its like a stress cold thing b.c i have so much going on right now and its all wahhhhh aablllah lakda do blah blah like and so..... k? so i feel like crap. anyways my dad said he wouldnt pay for more then 2 sessions....SO im am now going to have to explain this to Heidi on Wensday. thats like 2 days away. i still have to tell Ms. Watson. shit. this is becomeing more trouble then good it seems but i need thehelp for good sake i tried to drown myself friday night thank god for Barry's call it made me pick up cuz stupid ADD wont let me not see waht is making a noise. ok anyways back to the Heidi thing my dad was like im not paing if its long term of course its goign to be long term daddy, i still dont know why i cut adn granted i have done it alot less but i still do it and i have been going down hill sicne Ben, well the last women didnt do shit so it will be llong term plus i have to figure out this BEn thing for me to feel any peace, i need to come totaly clean and that is goign to be hard to do its giong to be like being reborn all over agian. i will have to tell everything from childhood to 7th grade punches and running into doors at school...oops, and the strong desire to die 2 years ago and the disease which eats at me from lack there of. everything deep with in i have to understand myself to understand anything and it will be hard and it will suck and i dont want to say some things. others i have no problem with.

i dont want to go to class i have almost all A's except photo but that is an A at the end of the semester so its all good..go figure i have great grades but yet i dont want to attend school adn everything is faling apart around me?! hmm anyways my dad was like i am not paying for long term and i wasl iek define long term adn he was like 2 or more visits, i jsut looked at him and was like you better give me the $30 for the two visits. so yeah after that i am on my own aparently i mean Kait will drive me she said she would take me from the begining when she said that if i would go to a therapist then she would drive me adn stuff. i just dont get it Kait dosnt know my dad said that yet and i dont understand it if they want me to get better and understand me then damnit i need help adn i am finally admitting it. its been what years since i will admitt it and i am now admitting it. i need help and i am seeking it its jsut being a jerk and being hard for me like stuff but what ever i dont care. i will do it somehow. with out my parets help. i dont need them, they obviously dont give a damn about this so fine im on my own adn its fine b.c. maybe this is what i need to make me hard and stop seeing the world thorugh rose colored glasses as my mom adn Jason would say. if that is waht everyone wants me to live in reality then fine im here. it sucks. ther is alot of things i need to piece together from past memories adn past relationships so many things i need to ame sense of befor going on to new things i have to figure out why and what and that is jsut the begining. then theres the new things like Ben adn how the hell am i goign to carry our lineall alone? what am i going to do how can i be at peace if it was an accident.never. how can i be at peace when it was real when he did it for some unknown reason. hmmm...maybe something will show thorugh when i get the pappers, please monti come thorugh for me if anythign pleace come thorugh for me with these papers there all i have left of him. he needs to live on and i know ecactly what to do please come thorugh for me on this.....

i feel trapped in ..... alittle cage..........

so next period im donw in Ms. Watsons office talking toher about how my dad wont pay and waht im going to do. there goes Europe and my much needed trip to be near my Casey for a year. i miss. i wish this was esier. i wish myparents would have sent me away to boarding school. they should have. to late now. i need to see Case. If I can i will maybe jsut take a month or so and live with the Cirque fam. and not the year i jsut need to get away, i need Case so bad right now. She dosnt know how much she helps me though out my life. i wish i could see her or talk to her or somthing but im screwd. here in the states. shes in Milan. i would give anything to be with her right now anything at all. i jsut want to run away and never come back. Maybe that is why taking a year off and going to Europe appealed when she asked i jsumped its like a romance of running away with (not to be corny) a cirque and living side by side with them talking seeing being, i feel so alive when i am with them. i felt so alive in philly with her and Ullzi so alive. i just want that feeling back.