i jsut wish he would have said something to someone there were no signs noting. i talked to him that day he was fine. At least Kristin adn myself know the signs to look for, we missed them. how coul dwe have missed them? he was normal the day of his death people saw him that evening adn he was fine, he was himself. he didnt even like pain, why would he do that? he left no note. his mom and step dad hear a sound around 9:30 that evening adn then checked it round 11 something. by that time it was to late. he was gone. Ben didnt even know how to tie a noose, apparently we were all wrong about everything. i just dont know how to deal with this he was my BEST FRIEND, we had a fashion empiere planed, we were going to FL for college after the year. he would design i would retail it and get it on the streets adn sew. He had so much giong. We joked about winning the lotterey, makeing sure eachother were taken care of. i jsut dont get it. i cant stop cring and i hate to cry. I dont understand why he had to do it, i never will and i have to realize that but i cant because i rationalize things and i cant do that with this there was no reason no nothign it was unexpected. i hate the kids at school i hate them all. i hate this place and i hate washington and i hate PA. Kait tries to understand but she wasnt close to him she only knew who he was, Stephanie only has spoken to him but a few times and hasnt had to deal with a suicide jsut OD deaths which she siad aare very much diffrent, but she tries , stepher's is high so fuck that idea of talking to her about it, I just want to call and cry but im to stubburn to. HE had everything he handed in a college app that day that woul dhave been 26 apps. exactly. He jsut won an art award adn a gold key for his art work so there was some scholorship money, not that he needed it and it jsut sucks for lack of better words. i dont know waht to do , say, go, i jsut dont knwo anymore.

Tell me how to handel this, tell me what to do...

its been 4 days since i found out. i dont really know there are no words to express how much pain i feel right now. i dont know how to deal with this. i rationalize things and its not rationalizing. i want to talk but i have nothing to say all i can say is he is gone. it has to be some horrible retched nightmare i keep waiting for him to appear and be like "haha i got you all your punked" or something like that. i cant believe he is actually gone, i watched the casket go around the corner til i couldnt see it anymore. i just dont know how to handle all of this. what do you do when your best friend is dead? i am at a loss....

This is why.

he is dead
i feel empty.

A sum up of a few weeks....

My poor stephers she is sad at IUP adn wants to come home.
I miss her so much!
Jason came home.
Never called.
Its V-Day.... S.A.D..... Single Awarness Day.....
Natalie gave me a v-day card yesterday it was cute.
Skittz kissed me...
er. yeah that was a fun night.
Skittz g/f is pissed, thats ok Skittz deserves much better.
Natalie ment my dad yesterady when she picked me up.
Dad likes her.
I have a test shoot for IMTM this sat. *crosses fingers pls let it go well*

So yeah those are random things.

stephie is so lonely up there and wants to come back, she is rememebring when we made plans to do modeling the summer and move to NYC. she misses me adn i miss her. we have been out of touch for a long time we havnt atlked on the phone for over well sicne she went up there in early Jan. wow. i have falen out of touch with alot of important people in my life. its unfortunate maybe i will get abck in touch with those i love adn have fallen out of touch with. V-day blah its like S.A.D. single awarness day. Natalie came over to pick me up to go to bean, she ment my dad and he likes her he was like when i got home she seems really nice and shes very good looking. so yay for that hopefully that can hold over when they find out how old she is...28. haha go me for finding older people that are intrested in me hahaha... Shes amazing. We went to bean hung out some took some pics i will post up here when i get home or tomarrow or something. SHes working tongith so i am goign to go visit lol. She gave me a cute v-day card as soon as we got in the car adn she was like yeah i picked this up hope you like it. it was adorable1 i loved it. Skittz kissed me. Skittz deserves so much better. If i had an apt then i would get Skittz in it away from all that bad relationship shit. N. E. ways Natalie is working today im going to go visit her. WE tooks some pics yesterday after we went to bean i will psot them somtime today or tomarrow. I have a test shoot with international model talent manag. so hopefully that will go well considering they called and set everything up for me. talk more about everythign laterw.

thoughts on memory

One must have a good memory to be able to keep the promises one makes.
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

unfortunatly it is not human nature to remember such things, even if they are small and perhaps seem meaningless to the other.

Jason is coming home this weekedn. the sucky thing is we might not see eachother. its whatever his friends want to do/ take him so yeah...I dont know what is goign on with us as anything even friends. im confused as hell. School is great 1st semester is over and im so happy, 2nd semster started and i love all my classes. i have two photo periods a day plus a lunch so that is 3periods devoted to phto woot woot. I beleave on sat i am going to the matress factory in the burgh, so that will be alot of fun there should be some neat exhibits there! Then i am going to Robinson. i cant wait it will be fun. i cant wait until 5pm i am going to hang out with stephanie the girl i ment form cali. she is so awesome i <3 her. so yeah yay for that. im nervouse. yes i am. i unlocked my one journal after locking jason out of it hes back in, go figure. well yeah i called my x therapist and she said i cant get my fiels so i am going down there soem time with one of my two girls and im going to be streagith with her she really cant hold that info from me its mine and i have a legal right to view it at any time i want, she can go paint a duck for all i care. I am looking into finding a new therapist since i havnt had one for a few years, i would like to go back adn i dont care what people think i am not weak adn i dont need to deal with this alone. i have come to realize no matter what i still cut. i did. i slipped up and it was so long and i was doing very well, almost a year to be exact. yet i paniced adn i cut. owell. this one scared, prob cuz it was deeper then usual. wahtever. its fine i dont want to hide anymore if people ask i will tell i dont care. they can airbrush it outof photos. I have a test shoot with INTM. i have to get ready for that. that is around the 18h. so that is good. they jsut up adn called adn was like we would like you to do a test shoot with us we saw soem of your stuff bla balh blah so yeah im doing that, upon my moms "adrianne i told them you would do it, so clear your face up, get rid of your cold, adn get into shape" yeah thanks for asking. whatever i will do it adn maybe it will pay off maybe i will make something out of it and maybe i can get away for this town or even out of the counrty. i have decided i no longer want to live in the us maybe california, but i really dont there is nothing here for me anymore. that is fine. i will move on and maybe get a friend if not i am sorry. adn its sad. i had a dream about my cusin who is in Cirque we were talking about how she helped me without knowing it when i was deeper into cutting, then i have been (she has no clue that i cut and prob never will) and we were sitting and talking at denny's but anyways bells bout to ring i will update more on this later at home