breakdown #1 i knew it would come

today at dinner hwen asked wha ti was going to do for college i said a few college names and some majors and minors my dad replyed " you dont know wha tyour doing" " ur goin to be living under some bridge hoeing it" i gave him this evil look aparently and he was lik e" dont give me tha tlook its ture" HELL FUCKING NO IT ISNT TURE.so i barely speak to him the rest of the night. i cant beleave he said that to me i mena yeah sure he has said stuff like this before emplying hta ti was going to be a stripper and shit but no i am not and you know what with or with out your help probably with out i will go to colege and get a master and live a happy life away from pa and away from family. i am slowly figureingout they are smoothering me adn i am sufficating i cant take it. i am about to break and there is noone here to pick up the pices, i dont want to go talk to ms. watson b/c i dont want to bother her and cry infront of her. i cant take the emotional abuse anymore. i have put up with to much fucking abuse already with tony and don im not puttin gup with it form my family the people who love me. why is it that when someone says "i love you" that it usualy comes with a bruse or unpleasent feelings?? i cant wait unitl Dec 17 b/c i am gone on the 20th. i dont know were i am going well i know two places. im shaking right now and i cant stop. a freind of mine told me to run and dont let them (cops) cvatch you until your 18 then they cant do anything. i want to run but im not going to. i would have absolutly no were to go. im stuck i have noone and nothing. noone has my back for a sure thing. and th eones who do i know that they are my trei friends and will be there no matter what. my world is crumbling and the glass garden is being smashed to pices. if i have to give up my middle-upper class lifestyle i will. i cant beleave he sadi that to his own daughter. i cant forgive him for that. i wont. i can put up with being physicaly abused but i cant put up with being mentaly abused my psych just cant take that. how dare he. they say they care yeah right from that comment you care alot. only 6 months and 2 weeks.

4th post today damn im on a roll.....

ok so i told you i would let you know what happend with the cafiteria so here is the story.... apparently there awas an orgistra concert last night and somone anyone actualy coould have come in the school was "open " aka "fair game" so i come to school there are 10 cops and 6 cop cars harshman (our schools inschool police officer) is running around. so i think ok somone is tring to kill someone or maybe so jail person got lose since the jail is like a few blocks away. i go into the cafiteria think nothing of it theres a sign up "no breakfast today" all over the place so im like crap all i have is my coffee thing. then i go back through a diff hallway and there are all these cops in the hall way instead of me going to the other hallway i walk through them like im the queen of england and ignore them as they yell at me. harshman comes to my rescue and gets them to stop. so i continue on my way "occationaly" looking back to see what all the fuss was about anywho back in h/r somone was like OMG they stole the cafiteria food well no actually they only took about a freezers worth of food. then passing through the cafiteria to go to 1st pd i see these people with latex gloves on there obviousely dusting for prints in this small room with lockers (the cafiteria ladies have lockers how nice of our school to do that) so yeah i go to debate and in the hallway to the library b/c it was "closed" that day i see a safe a big safe like the thing was mounted to the cement floor before it was moved to the hallway of the library. so we (debate class is held in the library) go figure so im goign into the library and Burty is like "family secret children family secret" and she proceds to say that the pople who broke in are um hmmm adults and were very well equiped they also left a fun suprise on the ice creme coundter standthing aka shit body fluid number 2. ewww thank god i dont eat school ice creme unfortunatly if i dont eat lunch i get yelled at by stepher. but anyways then the bell rings and i go look at the safe just "opps i droped all my books and have to slowly put them back in my bookbag" kinda move. a small explosive was used to blow the door off aparently and it must have been strong b/c the safe was in the cemented grouhnd. <----this is what i know for a fact. ok well anyways im going to 3rd pd adn thinking about what she has just told us. myu mind is like ok so if you were an adult would you really leave #2 on an ice creme counter thing? and not all of the kids are stupid here at trinity there are some pretty intelligent ones like um the quiet ones or the loud one with add. but anyways the school tinks it is an adult b/c who would have the brains to use/build a small explosive use it, #2 on the ice cream thing, then get the safe (which is heavey no doubt) onto a pully cart that u see at home depo or whatever. and then take $2,000 (2 days of lunch money) with out being caought. well if it is an adult i will be suprised buut if it is a construction worker i will laguh my ass off. these people if they were smart enoguth to do all this then they better have been smart enough tto use gloves for no prints. i swear noone thinks these days anymore about anything.


Ok so Ms. Watson. i went to see her today we had a nice long 40 min sesion. well it got me out of acting. she came as soon as she got to the high school (6th pd) she has middleschool and 4 elemenries (north south east and west all trinity) amd the high school. so it takes awhile. anyways she dosnt have an office b/c of renivation so she cam and got me and we went to the library in one of the back rooms. i talked to her about jason moving and about how i want to move out at 18 and who she was and what exactly she did. we talked somemore about jason adn about what is going to happen and how to deal with things and everything well not really how to deal with it it was more like "its hard day to day that is the tough stuff you cant just take it day by day you have to think in the long run" then i was like yeah your right day by day sucks major but you get though it i have to look forward to something (seeing himin june) and that is what gets me through the days most of the time. and she told me about form her experiance how when she went to college in oh? and her b/f went to college in fl and how that was but they made it though and that i was on the right track and everything. then we talked a little about why he moved and his college and why i want to move and whate was happening there. i would like to talk to her more before school ends but i dont want to be a nusence. it helped i mean i told her i was an olny child and i hang out with all 18 and up people except for 4 people in my grade counting steph. and she said naturaly you will click with older peopel adn that at least you have 3 firends in your grade. it was nice i feel like i can jsut talk to her over coffee or something so all that fear was for nothing. i found out that she has an MD in clinical psych. so i am looking into that then we talked about college and what i wanted to do and she said that i had that prety much figured out. she told me to talk to her whenever i wanted to, and that if it was in emergency to tell the guidence that it is an emergancy and she would acomidate. that is when i was like oh lol i see kait must have told you about my fun 2 breakdowns and she siad yeah and that i should have let Kait page her. but that was a year a go so. havnt had one all this year AMAZING! but yeah that was that so i spent 40 min talking to a really nice person who is really cool and understanding of cousre she donst know me as me unless kait sadi somthin but then agin she probably does but owell, i know that she is there to help me know and that i can always turn to her in school.

the cafiteria and Ms. Watson

ok so this is my 3rd post for today.....i jsut got back from talking to Ms. Watson my first time i spent the whole 40 min of class talking to her. she came and got me as soon as she got to the high school. i will post more i actually have work to do oh and i will post abou tthe cafiteria and how they dusted for prints and um the safe adn 2000 woot woot what a fun day

3rd pd

so i got my year book. it is nicer then the last one. i like it. but it is hughe as allways. I miss the small schools and the small yeasrbooks. today is going better. and i gues swe still have lunch since htey didnt say go home. hmmmm....i dont knwo if i should eat b/c the people might have done something to the food maybe i will get something out of the machines. finaly last night jason adn i talked for 29 min adn 7 seciounds. finaly a conversation more then 6-13 min. YES WOOT WOOT. ok so i am going to look up some agencies in Denver and some apt. i found one that was around 456-500 a month so i might jsut move in to that when i am 18. i just need that app from ben. i cant wait to get out of shcool yay for me only a few more days. ok so i went crazy last night and out awhole bunch of countdowns and some more little "is love" things on my lj yeah i know im strang....i jhave nohting more to talk about right now im sure i will have more in 7th this is 3rd. i still have yet to hear from ms watson.......

only at trinity

ok so only in Trinity this happens i come to school, there is a hole bunch of cops adn there fun little cars like seriousely there was about 5-6 cars and like 10 cops it was sweet. so i find out that the cafinteria has been robed of all its food....no lunch or breakfast for us....who the hell would rob THE CAFITERIA of all places in this school????? HELLO rob the chem lab for the explosive things like that fun metal that looks like aluminum foil but when you lite it it really blows up and creates a cool greenish blue fire.......so anywyas either that is a really stupid person or that was a kick ass prank for the seniors. anywho so im passing the cafiteria and there are these fun people with latex gloves i was like sweet there looking for prints. idiots they probably didnt wear gloves hahah apeople are so stupid when it comes to this stuff... anyways that was that back to the fire thing so last year my ex got me some of that stuff and i burnt a hole in my little book of poems it made it look really cool i';ll show it to whoever wants to see it was neat, but then again i lmost caousght the piano on fire since i was in the piano room (small room like 6x5 or somehting) it was sweet one little strip like an inch long is all you need its so freaking sweet. ok anywyas yeah cafiteria robed....no food for us i hope that we all get to go home sinc ether is no food. hahaha and i was actually goign to get somethign for breakfast besides my coffee and choc. thing. owell, i guess no food for me today. *snaps fingers* drat. i know what i am doing for my senior prank adn that will land us out of school for 3 days b/c it will take that long at least to clear everything out hahaha well i will do it if i am still here anyways....... Chip yes this is a new pic sorry cant really respond to comments b/c of the school webmaster but i can get onto this adn emails go figure hmmm stupid man who thinks girl have no comp knowlege. haha dont you love that just b/c im a girl everyone thinks im stupid or unknowlegeabel i jsut dont show it. lovely world we live in eh? Long weekend this week. yay no school monday. i wish i could have flown out to see jason. i have more work from aunt b finaly. ben is still working on the app. thing he didnt see her last night so i will get it when he sees the mangaer chick. im bored. really bored. SOMEONE AMUSE ME SOMEHOW PLEASE!!!! so on my lj thank god for Kristin. ok anywas i went down to the guidence office when i got to school and was like can you have ms watson call me donw today. so hopefully Ms. watson will call me down. i have never talked to her. she is a social worker waht ever that is if anyone knows excatly what a social worker does tell me everything you know abotu it and what they do and etc all info welcome everything.... so anywas i will go down alone maybe Kait will come with me maybe i will see Kristin down there i dont know......i want to talk to her but i keep putting it off for some reason. blah whtever. i will probably put another 1 or 2 entries in today bell rang later

i hate.....

i have a lot of pent up anger tha ti just realized this. i am angry at myself i am really errked about debate i have my speech written adn so does katyleee my partner only to find out that we are sapose to be against sex education but noooo we typed out stff to be for sex ed gah i hate this school i hate not being able to move to were jason is i hate having to be in this school adn finish my senior year here, i hate donya, i hate that he moved, i hate how everything seems perfect but deep down every one wears a mask, i hate how i have to be perfet for everyone, i hate myself, i hate when everything is going amazing for me that it all falls apart, i hate this, i hate doing nothing in school, i hate how time passes slowly, i hate distance, i hate waking up in the morning, i hate the pain of my spine, i hate having to type another speech for lach of brains oin the god forsaken school, i hate how all my friends are going away to college, i hate how everyone is leaving me, i hate being alone, i hate crying, i hate working, i hate not being able to find a college were jason is that has my major, i hate not being able to get good grades, i hate not having a life, i hate sitting at home, i hate doing nothing, i hate not having anything to work on so i can a get a plan ticket, i hate having over pretective parents, i hate that my dad is scared abou tme traveling on greyhound, i hate to be alone, i hate running for things, i hate how people run from things, i hate fear, i hate this, i hate not being able to get on the internet in my first few tries, i hate not being able to get my friends in there emails in like 2 tries, i hate speeches, i ahte this class for to day anyway, i haet that my world feels like it is crumbling, i hate guys adn how just becuase you wear a skirt means you "fair game", i hate how anderson keeps messing with me, i hate jocks, i hate school, and i cant wait to finish. i hate how im cold right now, i hate that i might not see jasonfor a month, i hate how my parents are tring to keep me instate for tuition reassons, i hate how i dont have my lisces, i hate that i cant be near jason..gah i have alot of pentup things, i need to go exersies adn do situps and then run and then walk and then i should be fine.

i was in so much pain yesterday, i still kinda am. i am doing like a few houndred situps adn crunches on this big ball to get back into shape before june or mid june and it hurts like my sides hurt and my back is killing me right off of my spine it hurt alot so i have to sit a certin way. owell the pain is worht it, i sapose. anywyas i am cutting back to everyother day so it will be better. i cant wait till shcool ends i cant wait for summer. it will rock so much. i called ashley s. yesterday and we are goin to chill sometime soon. i asked what she was doing for the 10th and she said she dosnt know so who knows perhaps she will come with me to co. im excited cant wait to see jason ony 17 more days. i jsut need to get work in from aunt b. this is the first time i ahev had nothing to actualy do for her lol. but anywys ben is getting me an application today when he goes for 2 hours. he is like yeah im only working 2 hours that is 20 im like yeah there is a "privilege to work fee 10 out the first paycheck so you get 10 minus like 20% of that so you get less. and he was like OMG r u seriouse? i was like uh huh so think mroe hours hun. he was like ok i jsut get so depressed when i work i mean i could be out in the sunlaying or sleeping or jsut doing other stuff. i was like well i will undepress you if i get the job i will squirt you with the hose or something we will have fun. you wont even know you are working 2 hours. Toni and Guisepe are kinda eeee right know i dont knwo what is going on there. i t seems like it is faling for them i hope that dsnt happen they are so cute and they are such nice people....i hope everything gets streightened out. i have so much to say ahd so little time bell is about to ring later

Im in Debate

im in debate and we are in the library. i am spose to be doing research on "sex education" for a debate. but im not i have all the info adn will be doing it tonight. besides we still ahcvnt done my other topic "school uniforms" as the teacher doesn't really do anything in the class. but she is cool i like her very layed back. i cant wait until the 10th i really can't i only have 14 days left of school counting today. i am so happy so excited and only 20 days until the 10th. i cant wait.... i have been working as much as possible and i have acumulated 12 hours equivilent to $84, but if my mom makes me divide that its only $42 and that isnt even enough for a oneway for bus. so i am hoping that if i get the job at lows plant section that i can jsut keep all the money i make on data entry and put half away for lows. that way i can get the money to see jason before july b./c if idont come out the 10th of june then i will have to see him in another month, i mean it wont be fair to him to be away for 2 months. but never the less i am working and i have done EVERYTHING there is literatly NOTHING for me to do, so i am stuck at 12 hours. i need to call aunt b and have her get me more things ASAP. hopefuly she has some things. This thursday is the final dinner for the PTSA with the principals at south side. that will be nice that means only a few more days of school, adn no more PTSA meetings until next year if i am still at trinity....
So anyways the whole lows job thing Ben has asked me to work with him seeing as he has never worked in his life and he totaled the benz. His parents said they wouldn by him a car unless he gets a job and holds it for the summer. so yes i am goign to work with ben. he was like " adrianne i have never had a job in my life and i want someone there i know." i was like" what is it" he siad that " all it consists of is lows plant section all you have to do is sweep up the floor adn oput the plants into rows you get $10 an hour for it and the time is flexable, its simple please?" adn i was like " alright i could use the extra cash and it sounds simple enough, sure i will work with you" so he is going to get me an application maybe tue when he goes in for his first day. he was spose to get me one over the weekend but he didnt work he sut called the lady and she waslike i dont work on weekends but it sounds fine. hmmm.... what else to say. jason called arond midnight, we talked for 12 min. he had a good time camping and climbing ect. i hope he finds a job out there soon. bell just rang bye

Here we go again.....

i really dont have much to say except this sucks, but i mean it isnt like death bad its jsut bad. the days seem to go bye slow but then at the same time fast. i got off the phone with my dad (he is away again) and i was like yeah i worked for a few and he was like aweosme and i was like yeah im saving fo rthe plan ticket i want to go out there before we go on vacations the 23rd and he was like that is pretty soon dont you think ....silence....him well we will talk about it....voice in my head its not soon it will be a freaking month a 3 days yeah that is not soon soon is memorial day. its when my rents say stuff like this that makes me want to move out when i am 18 even more then i wanted to when i was 13. go figure.

Diagnoses: Seperation Issues ; not wanting me to grow up

Symptoms: my mom comes up to me and is like (be fore i talk to dad and wheil ei was working) "your going to miss me when your gone" me " yeah i will, but i gatta go" i wish they would let me go and live for me not for them. they dont understand they are pushing me away just like they did when i was in 7th and 8th and 9th. i think she is realizing tha ti am goin to leave the first chance i get wearther it be when i turn 18 or when i go to college bc she is all " i love you amd will miss you and wont get to see you." then hugs and kisses me adn so forth. at this point your proably thinking im a mean coldhearted selfish bitch, which might be treu but from my point of view i just want to get the hell out and finish hs somewere else i hate trinity i always have ever since i step foot into the middle school and they down fased me from highschool to middle school ( 7-12 at my old school). good news i am slowly making progress on the college front while mom was all your goin to miss me i was like yah college tuition is cheaper in state (her brain was like oh yay shes stayin in pa) then i was like um if i establish a residency in the state i want to attend college in then it will be less b/c you can send me the money and i can pay for it there fore instate tuition. her: "oh good thinking that might work." me yeah i think about stuff like this that intrest me and will make me happy. (my brain what would be even better is me transfering and finishing hs in that same state then i will have no problem with the tuition) then i mentioned somthign along those lines her: you will lose your IEP adn it might not be honored since it is a dif state, me oh. my brain "ok lets look on the net, talk to guidence or better yet email a few schools and see about this IEP thing and how transferable it is" the only reason i have this in my mind is yes the rents wanted to send me to boarding school last year and the year before that, so whooppie ding im sending myself. then after she walks out she is like you know some colleges might not accept your IEP anyway and i was like " yeah same in pa" then i started to work again. she later came in and was like i love you and i was like i know this but i love you to, what do you want? she was like nothing im just going to miss you when your gone. me and "i will miss you" *brain* but i will be on my own kinda and living for me but still missing you yep

conclution: mom is clinging to the last possible year left very very tightly
effects: pushes me further away makes me want to move faster and farther

I got bored with my blog thing so i changed it yet agian since i only play with the fonts and colors on this thing i put it black. black goes with everything very nicely, except brown only on certin occations and only certin ppl can pull tha toff... i am starting to get a heading adn am sick to my stomach all of a sudden lovely. Anyhwo Jason called last night and im glad my voice didnt betray me although yes he will know after reading this blog i freaked out my mind went on blank mode when he said he wasnt callin gtonight and it just flowed tears came out of nowere...i dont know why that would cause that? maybe it was jut all vcoming out for the umphtenth time. im happy when i get to talk to him my spirits are lifted yes. but i still cry which i hate to do and everyone who knows me knows that well almost everyone ppl who actualy know me know that. i dont know. im messed up or something. i need a vacatoin thank god school is only 16 more days. My frog smells good still it got drenched last night but it still smells good considering the smelly stuff is body wash haha go figure. but i like it and it will last longer then the colougne so yay for that. my stomach isgrowling. i have been binging like mad....not good....focus...ok im back amaracor is leaving on friday that is 5 less people to tlak to this is horrible. I was tlaking to Kaylee today like always and i was like yeah blah blah and she was like oh well were goin to go shopping and then she was like jesse (her b/f) is coming up next weekend. so that is good. then we started to talk about how he might ask her to marry him agian( he asked her last year a few times) since she is almost out of school now and she was like i want to but i dont want to but i dont know if i want to be right out of h/s i was like isnt jessica engaged and she was like yeah that was from a few months ago and i was like well shes a senior like you. then i was like hmm...if he asks you be honest it woul dbe to stress ful with you goign to college and finishing hs and everythinglike over whilming. then she was like yeah tha s is it is overwhelming then i was like ok diffence engaed married year or so apart. then she laughed and was like your right i totaly forgot about that. so she is excited about the weekedn. oh and i get to meet jesse, so that tis good. Then Kaylee was lik ehow is jason and i was like good we talked last night and told her about it. then i was asking her some things and then Mrs. Tiger started to talk and after she was done talking she asked me what my notes were adn i was like russian and then i was lik ehere i will show you and i wrote her name in russian since tha tis the class i am in while i was tlak ing to kaylee. so yeah boring day in debate as well we did TIF i absolutly HATE TIF. i dont care about tandger outlets, they will come with or with out TIF and if they dont come with out TIF then they will go to bentlyville or charloroy or somewere.
390days 23 days

its been 26 hours

i cant stop crying.its been exactly 26 hours since he left. shopping helped alot but i think i need to go shopping again next week and get the things i tried on at VS those were uber hot esp the red thing.and a jean jacket i saw at oldnavy. i didnt sleep last night at all. i hate this. i hate myself. 395 more days. my rings are shinny. i have been bingeing, great fattness here i come. i couldnt even talk to him on the phone with out cring god im pathetic. at least my voice didnt betray me and show it. i need caffine i think i will go make coffee. my grades suck but they will be up. i cant blog right now i just cant bring myslef to type anything more, but yet i am go figure... im sorry. sunday will be my release. in the end it will all work out. i keep telling myself that and i treuly beleavce it but its the time inbetween that sucks but it will get better i hope, he promised it would and i beleave it will. im watching ANTM (americas next top model) and i just want to be there right now just get away. god i hate that world of perfection it is so fake and cut throught you think that if i would be able to enter into that and kick ass and totaly distroy girls that are taller then me to get to the agencies that i am in then i could hack the whole denver thing, hmmmm. i dont get it, i stomp compition but still i cant manage to get a grip on myself. i need to call cydnee she will know waht to do her and adam have been doing the l/d thing for a while i mean kinda he is always off on his snowboarding compitions b/c he is pro snowboarder and its expected adn she is in NYC. i dont know but i cant get ahold of her. grrr damn damn. i took a bunch of pics of me tonight with runway make up and they came out nice but my eyes are just not hiding anything i was tring to focus on emotions that were happy, curiouse,sexy, girl next door etc but all that came out were sad and tearie eyed things but the one that is on this blog is one of the ones from tonight i jsut changed it to black and white so it would be less noticable and prettier." A day is but a small eternity" ralph somone said that. and that is how i feel though out today and fro the nect 395 days but it will get better *keep telling your self that* im goin to get coffee and clean m room or watch tv or read or listen to my new incubus cd that i got that remindes me of jason.

Im sitting in my IT class listening to Nickleback. i have been listening to them alot lately, good memories i sapose. i saw steph today going to 1st like always and said that im sorry she didnt pass she was fine and was like when is jason leaving and i almost broke. she made a noise and was like im sorry then i was like come to bean 6-9 is when im there the loft is reserved she was like "oki'll be there. it will be fine you guys are ment for eachother dont worry everything will work out, he loves you so much." and then i smiled and noded. went to 1st. toni was like are you seeing him to night i was like yeah adn teared up. she basicly siad the same thing that steph said. the first month will be hard but when summer comes that will be easy. then school that will be hard. but we can do it. i want to cry, but then again i dont want to cry. that is a weakness, but it is better then past experiances. i will not do that i made a promise and i wil keep that promise. i always do. i dont make promises i cant keep, neither does jason and that is awesome. crap bell rang

3 dyas until jason goes bye bye, i am goin to be lazy and not update this but i did update my myspace pics and lj. i will update this later tonight or tomarrow at school.

bored

im so bored i havnt updated in a while sorry. i have been busy but i have been unpdating everything else. ok i have prom tomarrow and i am going with jason this should be intresting b/c the next day he has his college graduation.....hmmm... well it will be fun non the less. I am so bored i have been doin gnothing in my classes and i am in English calass on the "Hiller" (my schools paper) computers b/c hter eis a sub woot woot for them. im listening to cd's. In debate it was intresting i showed william hot to get into his e-mail from the laptop. we found out cornell gve his password to some one and that someone sent and e-mial to mrs. b that was vulger and that the computers arnt set up for email....hmmm. then why can i access and email in all of my veriouse accounts? go figure. my schools systems suck it is funny how everyone is like blah. i cant wait to get out of here. i cant wait to get out of h/s i hate is so much i dont know whay i cant jsut graduate i have more thn enough credits i want to take a vyber school or move to denver and finish highschool i really am dreading jasons move. but it will only prove to make us stronger and the summer is comeing so i can spend weeks with him out there adn he might hoepfuly come back to visit me when he gets a chance. Katie my cuzin is living ith us this summer so that should be fun it should at least keep my mind off worring and being parinoyed plus they are the same age so that is goo, i can talk o her and everything about it. i will miss him adn it will be so annoyingmy senior year but i will get thourhg it i jsut donw want to crash and burn all of my lj friends have ben so supportive adn helped me through telling him stuff and they contuine to be supportive and they are worried, but then again i am worried about them. i will get though it and i will stay strong in eveything that i do. i dont know what i woulddo if they went in to the hosp or if they weren';t there for me i love lj. i made a new site its melodramatic is the host. so i have like 6 sites. go me!!

bored